Beautiful Ache

I must not, under any circumstances, succumb and watch Before Sunrise this week. I feel the urge tickling my neck, itching my imagination, begging me to revisit the film I've secretly hidden in the archives of my brain as the favorite movie I'll never mention as such.

 If I do, I'll drown in my imaginative urge for the whimsical and lose myself in one of those achingly beautiful moments that leaves me lost in my hunger for more beauty- even though the beauty of the experience itself was only so beautiful because it was passing. 

I'll weep myself a saltwater lake, not for the lost but for that which never was and never will be. I'll weep a lake for the end of a moment that was only ever meant to exist for a moment and even in the stories I weave lacks a satisfying resolution.

When, amazingly, the desired is given a second chance at life, an opportunity for the lost impossibility, it falters. It shudders under the weight of expectation and seems ugly and unsatisfying when it is all it ever could be, and as beautiful as any dream revived.

Still, with realism on my brain my eyes will nevertheless scan the horizon endlessly, seeking and finding beauty in others and moments, my eyes the highway through which this joy will enter my body, and my chest tight and contracted as I squeeze the emptiness it leaves inside me. Like a smell that never satisfies but leaves me inhaling more and more deeply, trying to swallow through my lungs the unsubstantial air it floats upon, I cannot feel completed by the joy that is so present and intangible.

I don't have time for such fantasies. I have jobs and work and the life I love. My brain says I'd rather be lost in my work than a whimsy.

But my heart, so cold and only now so slowly warming, begs to be allowed to love the fantasy and return the dreamer to her place in my body. The struggle, won by the winter even through the summer's swelter, begins a war that is being waged in the crevasses of my soul as the smell of approaching autumn wrinkles my brow. And I wish to be spared the heartache- to remain in my icy hermitage for a little longer, to freeze calmly through another winter and emerge rational at the summer even as I long to dream and love with abandon again.

I'm not ready for the happiness that explodes out of you so fast it hurts

Courage

Today I am in love.

I am in love with nobody in particular, and with everything simultaneously.

I am in love with the blue sky where it meets the green treetops and the hot sun marring my skin with freckles and moles.

I am in love with the lake and the waves and hot sand even as it stings my feet.

I am in love with a future which will never materialize and a past which is not what I remember it as. I am in love with a present that is spiraling around me like some maze I do not understand and cannot escape.

I am in love with the things I hate, and I'm in love with the things I most fear.


Today I am afraid. 

I am afraid because I am vulnerable.

Struggling against the escape of my hopes for so long, the walls weaken as I melt in the summer sun. I should have stayed locked inside, and kept my heart safe and cold and iced. But now it pools in my chest and seeps from my ribs.

It hurts to hope  because I will be crushed. Since October I have dashed my dreams before they were allowed to exist. Now, this August, they have snuck into existence.

Today I cannot contain my optimism and enthusiasm.

Today I am in love with my thoughts that float in the clouds and keep me looking up.

Today, I am destined to be thrown to the ground, eyes glued to the pavement, because today I dared to love my life with the excitement of a younger Christine who once loved before she thought.

Today my heart already aches even as it rises up to chase the dreams that have been hiding in the sky I have been avoiding with my eyes.

Today I am in love with things I know will never love me back.

Today I am brave, because today I opened my heart even though it already aches with the wanting that will never be sated.

Christine's Guide to Choreographing in a Recession

In the last month I’ve been talking to several friends who are finding themselves trying muddle through the waters of choreographing with limited studio time. As an independent choreographer, I am very sympathetic. It took me a long time to master the art of efficiency, and now that I have found my footing in time management (though I have many other ways to grow still) I want to share my findings!

I know that no artist wants to sit and have friend lecture them on how to hone their craft (it’s demeaning) so I created this post to express how I have learned to make art on a budget. I encourage you to take what you want from it, but these are the guidelines I follow as an independent freelancer.

These guidelines are simply the ways I have found to be efficient when creating a concert dance work 3-8 minutes in length. My own aesthetic values and preferences will come into play, but mainly I have simply focused on time management in rehearsal.

1.    Have a goal and WRITE IT DOWN

Holding in my hand a tangible object that is telling me what I want to express keeps me on task. I don’t just think of a goal and let it guide me. I write it down and force myself to stay focused. If my goal morphs- I delete and rewrite. I keep in mind that the longer the goal the longer my dance will need to be. I usually use a sentence-length goal for a piece 5-8 minutes in length.

2.      Come prepared

Before I get in the studio with any of the dancers, I start in the studio alone.

a.      I generate anywhere from 1-3 minutes of material (for a 5-8 minute dance). I videotape or write down the phrases I come up with so they won’t elude me when I get to the studio.

b.      I plan a structure. I may not exactly stick to it but I know approximately where I am trying to go with my piece.

c.      I plan what I need to do with the dancers that I cannot do alone. Generating lifts, intertwining phrases, juxtaposing different tempos….I plan in advance WHAT I will do in each rehearsal. I may change track in rehearsal, or find a better way, but I always have a to-do list.

d.      I plan too much. I always aim to have extra material. I don’t like to get caught without anything planned. Sometimes I have to think on the spot. But I always come over-prepared so I can move on if we’re working quickly, or skip a section if I need more distance from it.

3.      Don’t be afraid to erase.

It’s hard for me to do, but I try not to worry about what the dancers are thinking, or if they spent 15 minutes wrecking their bodies for a lift that isn’t pleasing me. Change is good. If something needs to go- I cut it. It’s better to make big edits early on rather than later once choreographer and dancers are accustomed to the movement. The dancers will ultimately prefer being a part of a dance that is coherent.

4.      The power of video

When you only have an hour a week with busy, overworked dancers, reviewing the material can take half of a rehearsal. I always videotape at the end of each rehearsal. Providing the dancers with a copy of this video via a private You Tube link or email link means that they have no excuse to come to rehearsal without first reviewing. Even just brushing up their memories on the train watching on a smart phone can help jog memories of details. I don’t always do this in my rehearsals but the director of Renegade Dance Architects introduced me to this way of helping dancers review before rehearsal and as a dancer I believe it’s genius!  As a choreographer, however, I always watch the rehearsal video at home. This way I can get space and distance and really sit down and think about what I want to do with the material already generated without the pressure of wasting valuable studio time while I think on the spot. It allows me to make more fully realized decisions about the choreography and the piece as a whole.

5.      FINISH THE DANCE

Even if it’s not perfect, I finish the damn dance! Cleaning the dancers can be done once I’m totally happy with the structure and feel. If I spend too much time editing and cleaning early on it will feel frustrating and scary if I need to delete a section or make major changes once the piece is completed. I ensure the dancers are comfortable enough in the movement, and that it will ultimately look good on them, then I move on. I leave time to finesse the movement at the end, and even if I run out of time, my dancers are always professional enough to pull it together without much cleaning help from me.

6.      Leave time to edit and clean

Finishing the dance early provides me ample time to make changes. Sometimes these changes make ALL the difference in a dance. Small changes in tempo, intention, or a simple arm gesture can change the entire meaning of a section. I leave time to make these aesthetic changes- small edits can change a piece from good to phenomenal. Once I’m happy with the piece, I still have time to clean the dancers and give everyone time to get the finished work in their body.

--

You may have noted, I try to avoid thinking on the spot. Some choreographers make great snap decisions, as do I at times, but sometimes I’m tired or distracted. My on-the-spot decisions may be less informed and less complete than a decision made at home watching a rehearsal video. The most important thing I do is plan for those days when my mind is sluggish, or overhyped.

I hope it comes across that I’m not claiming my choreography fits into your aesthetic value, or is interesting or unique. I have a lot to learn, but I want to share what I have learned so far. And hopefully anyone struggling with the challenges of making quality work in just a couple hours a week can take something from my discoveries. I truly believe that as a community we need to bond together to make better work and raise the quality of dance across the board to bring more people into our elusive world. And so, I hope that by sharing I am helping this process.

Art on a Budget- Why I'm IDC's Biggest Fan

Last night I ventured into the heat to see Innervation Dance Cooperative's "Of One Mind." (Now, two caveats. 1. I have many friends in IDC. I would NEVER trash talk my friends in a blog post, so there is a filter here. 2. I am VERY critical of dance, so I'm not going to sugar coat this entirely....)

I LOVED IT. Honestly, I rarely skip out of dance concerts. Usually I sit around and fix the choreography in my mind and leave disenchanted. Even Hubbard Street has received a "mnah" review from me from time to time. Nope. "Of One Mind" gets a "YEAH BITCH! Work it!"

I left this show not only having thoroughly enjoyed it, but also so inspired and so optimistic about the possibilities for dance in a recession.

First, a little about IDC. The company is a Cooperative. Five members comprise the cooperative and they have ten company members. They also hire out seasonal dancers. None of these members are compensated for their hourly time. But as I understand it performers receive a small fee for performances as well as company class. (FRIENDS CORRECT ME IF I SPEAK WRONG!) This is still a reasonably desirable working situation for even full-time dancers.

Through a grant they have a residency at Thurgood Marshall Middle School where they conduct after school programs for students and also rehearse. (the reason I can never audition- I work when they rehearse :( ) ADDITIONALLY the company tours their work to schools. Currently, I believe, Gods Monsters and Heroes (a fitting show to instruct on Greek mythology while likewise exposing students to dance) is touring.

This is a lot for a small 501(c)3 to take on. By small, I mean in terms of finances. They're not backed by Hubbard Street's grants or Joffrey's rich donors. They don't perform at the Harris or Auditorium Theater. They aren't employing dancers full time. And certainly no one's getting health insurance. They have a couple grants, donors, and fundraisers, but these are on a humble scale.

And yet, in spite of this, IDC continues to amaze me. Last night they still put on a really quality show. Not just, oh it was nice for a community theater version of Les Miserables....no. I mean it was really good.

The story of Trudi Chase, a woman who suffered from extreme multiple personality disorder, and abuse at the hands of her stepfather and mother, was gripping. The choreography was lovely and honestly, at times quite impressive. The dancers were beautiful. Never once did I find fault in their movement- they fully realized all their movement potentials within the choreography and moved as one unified cast even though most of them have other jobs. The costumes were cohesive and relevant. The projections were interesting and added to the work. 


 IDC managed to cram a cast of 23 onto Prop Thtr's modest stage, and never once did it look like the cast was struggling to move. Everyone was moving fully- navigating the space like one instead of 23 cramped dancers.  

None of the normal problems that would restrict a company from reaching its full potential seem to hinder IDC. Need a lot of dancers? Get a lot of dancers. Space is too expensive? Get a residency at a school. Need costumes for 23 dancers? Use pedestrian clothes as a base for the costumes. Need a theater? Get a little theater! No a/c? NO PROBLEM! Got a small stage? Use every inch of it. Need a cohesive concert? Choreograph an evening length work. Want to get involved in the community and give back? Tour your concerts to schools. Need an audience? Get 23 dancers and the audience will come. And, they'll probably be so impressed they'll blog about it or send their friends.

Congratulations IDC on creating a model for how to make quality, meaningful art in a recession. This company serves as one of my greatest inspirations for my future hopes and dreams and I can't wait to see what else they do in their future.

Sid Smith's Review: http://seechicagodance.com/company/41
Go see the show this weekend: http://www.innervationdance.org/performances.html
Donate to IDC: http://www.innervationdance.org/support.html

The Bird's Cage

Last night I dreamed I had a cage full of beautiful little birds. Each special and beautiful, each beloved by me. I opened the cage to let them fly free. I thought they would fly back to me.

But as the day went on the cage was still empty. Other ugly creatures flew into the cage, hairy little winged monsters with teeth and claws. I shooed them away, but still my birds did not return.

I sat down to wait for them, patient and hopeful. But deep in my heart there was a sadness because I had already steeled myself to the truth that I would never see them again. My cage would remain empty and my little birds free in the sky, soaring high.

Kitchen Heat

It's too hot up here in my azul attic.
The thermostat says 87 in the room, but the oven's on in the kitchen and I can feel the blast of heat as I pass inbetween.
Covered from head to toe in flour and sweat, I've slowly stripped to just my bra and panties, wondering if I could, or should, cook naked.
           I'm wondering if there's a moral ground demanding one must at least cover their genitals when baking.
           What about the nipples?
I wonder if it's hot enough to cook the pizza without the oven.

Cat glares at me, begging to be let downstairs where he can flop on the tile basement floor. Instead we take turns sitting in the shower.
The summer heat is here.
Without warning. It just appeared one day, catching us unprepared.

"Whatcha Doing?"
"Making Ice."
"How Much Ice Do You Need?"
"All Of It."

I splash water all over the kitchen, all over me.
It feels good on my grimy skin.
Cat lays in the puddles, a black and white rug at my feet.

Eyes slide shut.
Too hot to stay awake,
Take a siesta in my abode-
        I'll wake up and clean the mess up in the morning, before the sun is high above my attic roof, when it's cooler.

Summer Hunger

Summer's here and the wanderlust sets in.
After months of content I am the cat- clawing at the windows of my life seeking an adventure.
I am no better than my students as the warmth infects me with restless energy.

I feel hungry- there's an emptiness in me and the more I fill it, the larger it grows.
I want.
I want to bury myself in my imaginings and stare at the clouds lilting overhead,
finding in them the landscapes and adventures from my childish imaginings.
I want to explore a castle, or stumble over a mountain peak, or turn the corner in a foreign city.
I want to lay on a sunny bed with the green leaves rustling outside of my window.
I want to sit on a dock of a sunny lake with the dragonflies circling, little fairies greeting me.
I want to sit on the edge of a flowering gate and fill my journal with anxious scribblings.

No amount of adventure will be enough- my satiation is impossible.
In spite of everything the wild child is freed-
stupid and irresponsible and carefree- alive.
Dreaming of adventures beyond this world.
I thought this summer might be different- so content with my life and my work.
But then the breeze rustles the hairs on my bare arms and awakens in me the missing piece of my puzzle-
the wild wakefulness that had been laid to rest and stirs again.
The embers in my smoldering pit have flamed into a fire.
Here comes the insatiable hunger and the endless wanderings of my mind leading me into weeks of daydreams.
Hours spent in reverie.

Summer's here- I'm awake and necessarily discontent.
The impossible search for the world of my imaginings is on.
Like the mosquito bites on my leg, no matter how I scratch I cannot calm the itch.
Come on an adventure with me- let's discover this summer together.