Courage

Today I am in love.

I am in love with nobody in particular, and with everything simultaneously.

I am in love with the blue sky where it meets the green treetops and the hot sun marring my skin with freckles and moles.

I am in love with the lake and the waves and hot sand even as it stings my feet.

I am in love with a future which will never materialize and a past which is not what I remember it as. I am in love with a present that is spiraling around me like some maze I do not understand and cannot escape.

I am in love with the things I hate, and I'm in love with the things I most fear.


Today I am afraid. 

I am afraid because I am vulnerable.

Struggling against the escape of my hopes for so long, the walls weaken as I melt in the summer sun. I should have stayed locked inside, and kept my heart safe and cold and iced. But now it pools in my chest and seeps from my ribs.

It hurts to hope  because I will be crushed. Since October I have dashed my dreams before they were allowed to exist. Now, this August, they have snuck into existence.

Today I cannot contain my optimism and enthusiasm.

Today I am in love with my thoughts that float in the clouds and keep me looking up.

Today, I am destined to be thrown to the ground, eyes glued to the pavement, because today I dared to love my life with the excitement of a younger Christine who once loved before she thought.

Today my heart already aches even as it rises up to chase the dreams that have been hiding in the sky I have been avoiding with my eyes.

Today I am in love with things I know will never love me back.

Today I am brave, because today I opened my heart even though it already aches with the wanting that will never be sated.