This is my cave of ice.
It is safe like a fortress.
Here, in the ice, I dipped my scalding flaming heart.
Here, in the ice my emotional inflammation soothed
and my love numbed.
Here, in the ice, I put out some of the fire in my soul.
My color used to be burnt orange like the heat of a cinder.
What color am I now? Am I finally yellow like I wished?
A bright joyful color, but a weak flame, dimly lighting the room?
I am not the bright, hot-headed girl I was.
I am not the eternal flame that couldn't go out.
Some of that flame finally burned all there was to burn.
I am calmer. I believe I am happier. I know I am older.
Maybe I am not me anymore, now that I don't react with an instant fiery passion
But instead present my ice-encrusted self to speak on my behalf.
The girl I was is in an ice block and the ice block is in this woman's chest.
Whoever she is.
i feel the same way.. so often it is comfortable to be a cave dweller, and not venture out and not risk those emotions- to just curl up in a ball. But the thing about emotions is that if you don't express them and you don't use them, they shrivel up and fall away, like a flower that never turns into a fruit. For me, it's better to take the risk and take the chance than not to. Otherwise I risk having my safe little cave become an emotional tomb. And being a handicapped person, being denied opportunities or being told that I can't do things or won't have opportunities simply because of who I am, has definitely fueled that and pushed me harder. I always strive to be on the stage of life, acting in the bright lights, and am terrified that I will forever be relegated to the sidelines or the audience- always watching Life go by without ever participating in it. Like they sing in Hello Dolly, "Before the parade passes by.." I see Life as a parade passing by me all the time, and so I'm maddened to grab at it.
ReplyDeleteBut I understand exactly what you're saying, and sympathize. It's just that I can't accept that status as normal, or stay there very long. To do so would be to accept complacency and defeat. And if there's a number-one thing wrong in the world today, it's over-complacency and a lack of empathy for others or ourselves. Yes, feelings hurt, but in time, the absence of feeling will hurt worse as you wonder where your old feelings have gone..
And if you'll permit me to get a bit religious on your blog... trying to follow the Purpose in your life is like trying to follow a satellite or a Google Map. The Lord knows where you are and He knows where you are trying to go, but there are obstacles in the way- just like how in Google Maps, it never tells you if a water main is busted, there's construction, etc. Sometimes we have to go through suffering to become the person we want to be, and to achieve the things we want to have. So the Lord knows where you are, and knows where you are trying to go.. and the important thing is not to give up, not to lie down in the road, but to keep moving. Keep moving, moving, moving until you get to your destination and get to your goals! Big hugs Christine! I love you.
ReplyDeleteWell, son, I'll tell you:
Life for me ain't been no crystal stair.
It's had tacks in it,
And splinters,
And boards torn up,
And places with no carpet on the floor --
Bare.
But all the time
I'se been a-climbin' on,
And reachin' landin's,
And turnin' corners,
And sometimes goin' in the dark
Where there ain't been no light.
So boy, don't you turn back.
Don't you set down on the steps
'Cause you finds it's kinder hard.
Don't you fall now --
For I'se still goin', honey,
I'se still climbin',
And life for me ain't been no crystal stair.